2002-09-02

9:53 p.m.

If I croaked today or sometime soonish due to this dumb ass cancer I would look back and wish I would have *traveled waaaay more * spent even more time with my family * got to know my little brother more * really really not cared what people think (not in the way I normally say I don�t, but really) * never quit band in 7th grade * picked more friends for high-quality and high-adventure reasons as opposed to high-fashion and musically-connected reasons * never paid for any of those wacky phish shows and grilled cheese sandwiches back in the summer of 96� * not charged groceries and gas and stickers on my credit card * lived in New York City for awhile * found out more personal information on who my parents are as people * played the lottery weekly * got tired of binge drinking at a younger age * explored my talents as a tap dancer * published those fifty-seven zines I said I was going to* put out my own clothing line * pitched a couple treatments to producers at �killer films� * went to med school * at least tried to pass algebra (before going to med school) * ate more legumes * recorded more of my guitar sessions with A&A * organized my photographs * never spent a moment irritated at a dumb driver or rude salesperson * volunteered to help people in real need as much as I spout off about politics * been more honest with people from the get-go* learned to work for the sake of working * finally got my running mile below six minutes * learned to let go of articles of clothing that no longer fit, are not in fashion or have been around for longer than five years * at least wrote down the names of all the eclectic women I met working at my odd-jobs during my travels and adventures in my early 20s * fought cynicism with every ounce of my midtwentysomething self * broke it off with exactly three of my boyfriends exactly three months sooner * read at least one freakin� thing by Faulkner * been successful at conveying what I know now to my sister who is ten years younger * worked on the writing staff for the sopranos.

September 1, 2002

10:27 pm

I would have liked to have done something exciting for this extra long weekend but it seems keeping my lunch down was the weekends monumental achievement.

I wanted to check out "24 Hour Party People" at the main but I remember the last time I had to leave a movie early because of the nausea and cold sweat. Then again, that was a slow Sayles film and I might have taken to the BritRock Party Scene film easier...

Who knows? I'll have to hope the show runs for more than a week. The local art house theater has had a strange pattern of letting certain unassuming films run for months while others blaze in and out in weekends. I had my eyes on that "CQ" film not for a second before it was whisked away into "maybe I can see it on DVD in four months" land. But this is the same theater that played that wretched embarrassment to any left-minded theatergoer with taste "Monsters Ball" for over a month. Maybe the patterns of film showings are secret messages to a select public and I am missing the code. Otherwise I can only assume that the kind folks at my local Landmark Theater have a serious problem with having their heads up their bums.

I will be sure to alert them to this matter as soon as this troublesome illness clears way. At least I have an excuse for my poor showing - what's theirs?

Knowing that other people are boating and grilling and drinking beer like it will send them to another job when Tuesday comes makes me a smidgeon jealous. I wish I were tubing or drinking or something productive to celebrate Labor Day. I think I will settle for watching an episode of the Osbournes with my mother for the evening. I had to leave D at home since everything in our house was making me sick. I was convinced that everything near me smelled of dried blood or alcohol swabs - both things that are one way tickets to pukeville.

Watching television with my mother is a joyous occasion. She likes to audibly comment her disapproval of cuss words or degradation of the American family with a loud sigh. This should be a fun half hour.

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