2002-07-16

10:17 a.m.

I am at work right now wearing the same t-shirt I wore yesterday. The same t-shirt I sweated out yesterday�s 93 degree plus 90% Michigan humidity weather. The same t-shirt I went to the movies in. The same t-shirt I fell asleep in at S�s house.

I�m staying out with S since D is out of town. I am not able to stay alone since the January incident. Last night I was driving around lost on mound road bouncing between Warren and Sterling Heights just to meet J & S for a movie so I wouldn�t have to be home alone after dark. I amaze myself at what lengths I will go through to not have to suffer the panic.

So when I left S�s house this morning I took a subtle, yet crucial wrong turn. I got on 94 instead of 696 (entrance ramps very close together) and I was headed directly for downtown. I decided to go with the flow since I was already an hour late for work. I wasn�t going to be able to go home and shower but at least I had brushed my teeth.

When I got to work I ran for the bathroom to fix my ultra bed-head hair. I ran my hands under the sink and splashed water on my head. I was hand-styling hoping to "reactivate" yesterday�s left-over styling products and pieces of hair were falling all over the place. Nasty. I had no make-up on me except some red sparkle lip gloss. I put that on hoping it would detract from my perma-pillow-facial�sleep creases.

I think my coworkers know I had this shirt on yesterday but I am carrying the whole ordeal off with attitude so no one dare comment. I am truly just putting my time in here until I leave for vacation next week. Chemo has not only worn away at my cancer cells but it�s eroded my normally iron tuff work ethic.

2002-07-15

12:58 p.m.

My rash spread further this weekend. I suspect it was due to seeing the outrageously overrated "Road to Perdition"

I haven't seen a film that desprately contrived and plastic since the shitty "American Beauty"

I think bad cinema is also causing my hair to fall out.

I'm off to the doctors. Rash attack.

2002-07-12

9:52 a.m.

One of the good things about my ride to work in the morning is the excellent reception I get for the Windsor radio station CJAM. The closer I move in on the city, the clearer the radio.

It helps ease my mind since I have a reasonably intense fear of getting killed on the highway. This fear existed before cancer diagnosis but has definitely intensified since I�ve gone through chemo. I am so afraid of a senseless death on the highway and I am sure it is going to come from one of those huge Dodge trucks sporting dual Red Wing and American flags. I am worried about the people who use the opportunity of manning a piece of steel weighing in a nearly a ton to express their frustrations. I don�t want to survive cancer just so I can be a sitting duck for Suburban SUV Hunters.

My blood count visit yesterday went very well since I brought the ultra-fabulous and exhaustingly funny little sister with me. The cancer center should hire her and give her tap shoes.

My counts were "perfect" according to the nurse. She was visibly enthused. I thought that was a good sign. I did have to tell her that chemotherapy was starting to take its toll in the most bizarre ways. I get heartburn from everything. I eat a carrot and I get heartburn. I have a sip of water and I might as well have drank Louisiana hot sauce. I won�t bring up the numerous bowel issues because of the taboo nature of the topic. The latest ailment is a strange rash. A rash. I find rashes to be a sure sign of imbalance and uncleanness so I don�t appreciate this particular unsightly attendance on my legs. It is seriously holding back my summer fashion.

The rash, as of now, is unidentified and I am supposed to keep my eye on it. It�s kind of hard not too since it looks freakish. My NFNMAWC (New Friend Near My Age With Cancer) said she got a strange rash/ sunburn on her forearms. I am glad I�m not the only one with a rash. Well, that�s just it, I know there are others with rash but I don�t want to share space with them. Rashes are in the bible as a sign of social outcast.

Up until the rash, I was starting to forget that I have serious, and I mean serious as cancer, drugs just mushing and meandering around my blood and tissues. It�s all trying to come out of small red bumps now though since it can�t exit elsewhere.

I am in bargaining stage with the rash now though. As long as it stays away from the facial and groin area, I will chill. By chilling I mean listening to college radio and thinking about and eating peanut butter cookies.

previous - next

powered by SignMyGuestbook.com