2003-05-28

4:37 p.m.

I have been meaning to keep a �headache diary� � that�s a little something they tell you to do when you are a migraine sufferer. I am supposed to write down when where and what the fuck I was doing/eating/saying/licking at the time of my migraine attack. I am going to get around to this I swear � especially since I have been suffering more often than not these past weeks.

But if I start one of those diaries I am also going to start a �friendship pattern� diary. I may not be old enough but I do have a little insight and almost a decade of cognitive life (I don�t count my 4 years as an LSD fan) which is enough to recognize certain patterns of interpersonal relationships. I don�t know if it is just a Michigan thing (this is one of the things this diary will reveal) but I hypothesize that some of these things are seasonal.

Why is it that most of my friends lose their shit around the same time? Emotional crisis abound this week. And unfortunately for them I have come to the realization that my heart is made of stone and something has made me lose all empathy and ability to identify with the relationship challenged. I feel terrible about this so that�s why I am going to take a scientific approach so that I can have something to tell my friends when they are in trouble other than �well, what did you think � you got married when you were 19?� I can say �according to my stats derived from my relationship pattern diary, it is around the Memorial Day crux and you should expect changes in your nit-picking tolerance pattern."

What are you supposed to do? I mean I forgot about being around heartbroken people. It sucks because they are hurt � you feel bad but damn why are they so �so � unreasonable!?

Why is my heart a stone? What has happened? Was it the radiation to the chest area? I need to suffer a good heartbreak like the one when I was 15 and I lost 18 pounds and nearly dropped out of school. I�ve lost touch with that life or death feeling of wanting someone to like me or that out of control feeling of trying to control someone (that�s even more fun � like the time I tried to befriend my freshman ex�s new interest). But as far as one friend is concerned � I�ve never been in touch with the bride bug and it is mildly irritating to hear people come to realizations that I, and a majority of my still unmarried friends, have had since 18.

Stone hearted B � that�s me. What kind of person gets irritated with their friends? And ones in crisis at that? Do I have a case of the �need to get somes�?

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