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2003-05-16
12:59 p.m.
I hate knowing that other people are going to be in my apartment. I am freaky like that. I�m an obsessive paper shredder and privacy coveter. My mom has signed us up for a cancer survivor dinner and walk. She made three bags that we are going to light after dark. One for both my grandpas and one for me. The three cancer peeps of the family. I thought a lot about my grandfathers when I was going through treatment. My dad�s dad died pretty young � I think he was 65 when he died from lung cancer. I was a teen at the time so it all seemed like a tv special dream to me. When I think back to my childhood memries of him I get stingy eyes and my heart aches so I won�t write too much abou thim. My other grandpa lived till he was 82. That�s not a bad life span. I am sure he was pissed all the way through treatment though. For pancreatic cancer there isn�t much treatment they offer. It�s not a good cancer to get. (Unlike mine, the kind everyone tells you to be happy you got?!) He was a gruff work-a-holic man that probably only retired because he got cancer. He had tons of energy. I really can�t help but get mad about cancer. I wonder if people are aware of how many different kinds of cancer there is. Doubt it. I hear the layperson speak of cancer as if it was one entity. It�s not. At all. I wonder if these fundraising walks and stuff actually help. The other night out at the bar the topic turned to medical stories (I really do try to keep mine to myself, I don�t want to show off too much). One of my friends talked about how she had to wait for a while to get the results back from her biopsy from some random lump. She said �I was like hello, I am in my twenties� waiting for you to tell me whether or not I am ok�� Her lump was fine and her story is just about the anticipation, her painful memory of thinking for a whole week that she might have cancer. I still get a little irrationally pissy that people will never get that I was the one �in my twenties� that got the phone call back that said I have cancer. I went through it all. The treatments, the bullshit, the mental case aftermath. When I was diagnosed people told me stories about how they thought they had cancer once. How this was similar to my situation or comforting I�ll never know. I guess it�s just a tough pill to swallow that the only people that really know are the few that have lived through it. I should be glad that my friends most scary medical moment was a biopsy and a head trip. But I am not there yet. I gotta go meet my mother. huh? - 2004-01-15 resolutions - 2004-01-09 video reason - 2003-12-30 sik - 2003-12-06 voiceless - 2003-11-19
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