2003-01-08

11:29 p.m.

D told me that he heard something on NPR that I would appreciate. It was a short piece by a breast cancer survivor who had read one of Bernie Siegel�s books about Love and Miracles and Surviving cancer with the warm fuzzies. The commentator wasn't so impressed with ol' BS. I remember trying to read one of his books since nearly every elder well-wisher in a white nurses uniform recommended them. If I only knew then what I know now � most nurses haven�t had cancer. That�s why they think things like suggesting Bernie�s books and giving professional advice about eating small meals to reduce nausea is helpful. Not surprisingly I couldn�t identify with any of the anecdotes about cancer patients. I think it was mostly because they were um, old (or extremely young) and usually noble in some child-rearing way.

I remember my first roommate in the hospital was the sweetest old lady with one arm completely black and blue from her zero platelet count. She went out of her way to be pleasant and apologized every time she had to call the nurse in to use the bedpan. She had a bladder infection so not only did I feel extra sorry for her but the nurse was handling the bedpan in quite a bit. I couldn�t understand why she felt the need to be so ultra-friendly. Maybe it made her hospital stay and illness easier. Maybe she is a victim of decades of oppression and playing out a prescribed submissive role. All I�m saying, Dr. Siegel, is that the nurse had to deal with the bedpan whether or not my roomie sweetly apologized.

I wasn�t an exceptional cancer patient because of my attitude or the fact that I had three kids (I don�t) or that I chose loving, trusting faith in lieu of pain killers. I like to think I found my CP (cancer patient) niche by holding on to most of my hair while receiving the atrocious ABVD chemo combo.

In other news and a possible explanation for my tetchy commentary might be that I�m just now coming off of a three-day migraine attack. I see my Rad Onc before school starts tomorrow. Maybe she will take the headaches seriously. Or maybe she will take my blood pressure and tell me to make an appointment in three months. Dr. B doesn�t see any relation to toxic chemicals and the migraines.

I logged another tape today. It was mostly of the last chemo sessions so I look like vegetable soup. �The Pianist� was spellbinding. I�m halfway through �To Kill a Mockingbird� in a last ditch attempt at leisure reading before classes fire up. I�m behind in reading what most people finished in high school. However, I am right on top of Oprah�s BC and various film crit texts.

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