2002-10-22

11:42 p.m.

I saw my Rad Onc today. She is still speaking in riddles. Who cares by now? I am cancer free and sailing the home stretch. Only three treatments left. I tried to get the other regulars (the other women in the radiation oncology waiting room) to just admit that radiation not only made them tired but unexplainably cranky. The women, all of them older and calmer, just shook their heads in disagreement. One said �no, I haven�t had a problem with that.� I was just really looking for reassurance that it is the treatment that is making me such a crabapple so not having someone to have a bitchfest with made me doubly cranky. It was kind of like after my insane test last week the first classmate I asked about the test said she thought it was rather �easy� since she finished so quickly. Based on this comment I decided that she completely blew her opportunity to be an ally. Tonight in class when the prof was returning the exams I studied miss brainiac�s reaction. I tried to decipher the prof�s angle of the pass-back. For some people she handed the tests back with a casual down-turned curve and others she seemed to take extra care in protecting whatever grade was beneath. I could only stare at Brittany Brainpower, hoping for a furrowed brow or some other mark of disappointment, for so long before my prof came towards me with an aggressively bent exam in her hand. I got an unexciting 86%. I was aiming higher but nothing to cry about except the fact that my exam pass-back theory weakened. Unless of course, ol� prof thinks an 86% is so shameful it should be hidden from other classmates. Not only and I losing all of my ability to hide my irritability from others, I am angry that more people aren�t cranky as well. I am sicker than when I started this whole cancer mess.

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