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2002-08-26
10:55 a.m.
Cancer cancer. I sometimes have these moments of pain, tingling or dizziness that make me think the end is near. Of course, I am being dramatic, but I did just spend a week in the oncology ward of the hospital for a blood clot. I am thinking that my particular clot could be very resistant to the drugs they pumped in me and the coumadin they have me on now. The anticoagulation society people call me after every blood test to see if I have been bleeding from anywhere. They then give me a number. I am supposed to be in between 2 and 3. Last blood test I was 1.9. I could see that slimy clot dislodging from my port and snaking it's way to my lungs in one whole solid suffocating chunk. When you are on coumadin you are supposed to be consistent with your diet. The drug is very sensitive - especially to vitamin K. I can't handle the commitment. If I have a leafy green salad, I have to have on everyday. Plus, consistency in diet isn't exactly that easy to achieve while undergoing chemotherapy. Yesterday I had a lovely diet of pasta salad and later grilled salmon and dilled potatoes. The day before however I had a strong craving and D and I split a family size bag of Chedda and Sour Chips. I worked at a salon for two and a half years. I loved Thursdays and Fridays because all the elder ladies would come in for their "set" in the morning. They would constantly discuss their health - all of them. They would talk for the entire appointment about their prescriptions or their husbands doctor visits, breaking only to tell me they used to look like me. I admired these women but I used to think to myself that when I was older I hoped to have the luxury to visit the salon every week and also to have a much fuller life than these ladies. I would be talking about travel and my films and pursuits and my young pool boy. I now know that these women probably had quite interesting lives. It's just that when sickness or death looms and pain is constant and ones health depends on a precise schedule of medications, health can be an all-consuming topic. I am a younger woman and most of my friends have a limit as to how much they can hear before grossing out or tuning out. And I currently have a limit as to how many non-health-cancer topics in which I can hold a proper conversation. I need to start hanging out at the seniors events in my town or join a Sopranos fan club. resolutions - 2004-01-09 video reason - 2003-12-30 sik - 2003-12-06 voiceless - 2003-11-19
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