2002-08-22

11:32 a.m.

I think maybe I�ve had too much inspiration for writing lately. I can�t quite seem to get it sorted out in my head on what I should write about.

I think that people are mostly ridiculous and having cancer is terribly lonely.

As I am starting my new position I am still only partially through my treatment so cancer continues to occupy 87% of my brain space. I have to make a call regarding each acquaintance on whether or not to tell them that I have cancer. I can only hear so many same-but-personalized "takes" on cancer from people that have never had it.

Most people don�t stop to think that a person with cancer has already made peace with or assimilated some sort of coping strategy to use through the treatment crapola. Their "sunny side up � chicken soup for the soul" catch phrases are most unwelcome. They deliver their glass-half-full as if they will be the one to pull the cancer patient out of the drudgery of self-doubt and sickness.

I had a friend tell me that "at least I kept my hair for this long" when we discussed how I only have a mild comb-over after 6 treatments (90% of people getting my chemo lose all their hair). I was so offended that I wasn�t allowed to even be mad about my hair. Losing your hair is the last final joke chemo plays on you. On top of the insane side-effects that make everyday tasks like smelling unbearable and using the bathroom impossible, I am greeted with a fresh layer of hair on my pillow every morning and a growing bald spot at every glance in the mirror. It�s too hot for a wig and hats can be warm as well. I worry about work and school and rude people. I can�t imagine any 27 year-old female (especially any of my fashionable friends) being ok with losing their hair for one second. People think that they can decide the bright side as it is relative to my cancer treatment and they are wrong.

Cancer and cancer treatment plain suck and any survivor should be able to express their discomfort without having to go through the "you should be grateful to be alive" bullshit. I am able to restrain myself from responding to my friends and colleagues lame complaints about cars, work and clothes without a guilt-inducing "at least you don�t have cancer" or "at least you are alive." I would think grown educated people could get over themselves for a brief moment to actually listen and sympathize with a person in pain. But really most people are too busy congratulating themselves on being so "positive" in the face of illness to actually be human.

Part of the burden of being a cancer survivor is constantly making it comfortable for everyone else. I still act as if so-and-so�s "jesus heals" and "you should be so glad they caught it early" are helpful and uplifting. Maybe with a newfound honesty I will find better responses. If my precious Grandmother wasn�t such a devout Catholic I would print my witty responses to the jesus advice�

My treatment can suck and I can still be in for the big fight. I don�t need to be Pollyanna or Norman Vincent Peale to get through treatment. I�ve got my sense of humor and I love my life. When I complain about chemo it�s because it is all-consuming and sucks far beyond the stretches of any non-cancer patients imagination, not because I don�t realize how I am alive and should be �grateful� for this or that. I�ve made my peace and selected my battle plan so don�t trip on me if seeing a 27 year-old cancer victim shakes up your foundation.

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