2002-08-26

11:15 p.m.

For an instant this evening Hodgkin�s took back seat in my head. I went to my Graduate Student Orientation and now I feel like it�s back-to-school time.

It reminded me of what I was originally planning for myself oh, around the same time I got the �you have cancer of the lymph nodes� call this past April. And now I am still going ahead with school and my assistantship.

When I started treatment I could only imagine chemo as the most horrific sentence given to a human being. I drew upon images from films where patients wasted away bald with open sores everywhere. Lots of puking. And almost always death in the end anyway.

I wasn�t wrong about the horrific part. I just didn�t know about the functioning sick part. Everyday I hear more stories about people living with cancer. Some people chose not to tell even friends and family � they go through treatment alone. Who knows how many people I have encountered in the past who are in the middle of chemo or radiation? I know I can�t tell everyone I cross paths with that I might seem cranky or slightly bald but I�m not normally like this � I have cancer. I probably could but those words don�t mean much to most people. Only those who have had it or lost someone feel the true weight of the word cancer.

So I am functioning. I am on the Jekyll-Hyde bi-weekly program since chemo is every other Friday. I should be mostly pleasant and receptive to my studies until this Friday.

My younger brother was home from the Army again this week. The last time he came here I had just had my first treatment. I was a bit fuzzy. This time I could actually talk to him. He is getting ready to leave for army base or headquarters or something in Alaska. I haven�t felt more jealous of someone in awhile. Well, I am not much for the armed forces but when I was nearly sideswiped over three times from speedracers passing on the right down I-696 this afternoon I found comfort in imagining myself on a dog sled with miles of snow on the everlasting horizon or holed-up in an Alaskan cabin explaining to the cabin-keeper that I don�t like seafood that much.

I took my little bro to some shops downtown so he could purchase some Detroit wears to impress the Alaskan Army crowd. I loath the too-hip shops with flame lunch boxes and baby tees not because of the merchandise but because somewhere along the retail timeline I missed the signing of �The Declaration of Not-greeting Customers�. Apparently, stores that house select designer clothing have decided that it is part of the snobbish high-fashion atmosphere to act as if the customer doesn�t actually exist until they purchase some of the clothing. Then they are deemed worthy of interaction with the sales associate. This is advanced retail psychology and relies on the fact that the customer will retreat into a childlike state of neediness when they are denied interaction with the aloof sales associate. It doesn�t always work. It must be new. I�ve been out of retail sales myself for years.

While I was concocting letters and phone calls to managers and district owner types of these bullshit stores my younger brother took it all in stride. He got his freshie new jacket � no worries for him. He has a rare and desirable gift to release all that is not pertinent to his happiness back into the universe. He is chilling at all times. What a piece of work. I�m glad I got to see him - I hope he likes Alaska.

previous - next

powered by SignMyGuestbook.com